Boise may have its own cake ace. Following a link on Twitter, I found Boise-based Cakewalk Custom Cakes on Flickr. The cakes are gorgeous and would be the centerpiece of any party. Looking through the photos, I saw a wedding cake for two Harley lovers (pictured here). The cake creator explains that the little motorcycle-riding bride and groom on top are made out of gum paste.
"What is gum paste?" I asked myself.
"I don't know. Why don't you look it up? Duh," bitchy myself replied.
So I Googled it. Halfway down the front page of the results is a link to a YouTube video called "Cake Decorating—'Amazing Art of Gum Paste.'" Perfect, right? No. Not perfect at all.
The video is a six-minute commercial for a John Davidson look-alike named Scott Clark Woolley of Cakes by Design, hawking a "How to Make Gum Paste Sugar Flowers" DVD and book. It starts off weird and just gets worse.
The video opens with a Goethe quote, about the genius of boldness, a little extreme considering the subject at hand. Next, up pops a creepy logo for Waterbearer Productions, in which a water jug that looks much like a cake decorating tube is being held in an awkward position.
As Woolley expounds on how his DVD will explain the "magical world of sugar art," I can't stop staring at his freakishly shiny fingernails.
At exactly 3:00 in the video, the scene shifts to an outside pool area, where Woolley is standing in a karate get-up. Oh, wait. He's not. He's in a bathrobe. My eyes told my mind it was a karate outfit because the implications of why he might be wearing a bathrobe were too much to bear. I know "karate" by the pool doesn't make much sense, but "bathrobe" frightened me. My fears were soon realized.
Woolley suggests it's time for him to relax (making little sugar flowers is apparently exhausting). "Play with your new artform of sugar gum paste flowers," he says. "Don't let fear get in the way next time you want to try a new flower." This guy must be getting hundreds of letters from people who are terrified of gum paste daisies. He reiterates, "Don't be afraid, take the plunge." Ugh.
But, nope, the video isn't over. It's only at 3:07. Please, please don't do what I think you're going to do, Scott Clark Woolley. And if you do, please, please be wearing swim trunks. I'll even take a Speedo, but please be wearing something.
Woolley disrobes and turns his back to the camera, and reveals that he is standing commando by the pool. And covering his manly mounds is a giant glowing orb of light. And there's still more than two minutes of video to go.
Embedding, commenting and rating have all been disabled on this video. I can't say I'm surprised. Click "Scott Clark Woolley's shiny ass" to see it for yourself.