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Wink April 21, 2004

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CYCLISTS' SHORTS UNDER INVESTIGATION

Controversy struck the Boise cycling community this week when it was discovered that many local peddlers engage in the practice of padding their spandex.

"I came home a little early and happened to catch my husband changing out of his disgusting little cycling shorts," reports Betty Mestup, wife of local racer Yesse Mestup, "when I suddenly noticed a strip of foam, kind of like a shoulder pad, firmly sown into the crotch of the pants. All I want to know is: why does my husband feel the need to Tom Jones himself up, and who's he doing it for?"

The cyclist in question had the following to say in his defense: "Of course we wear padded shorts! That's the whole point of these things. Sure, some of us take the extra precautionary measure of slipping a cucumber down the front, but only when we're racing through those dangerous small towns that are full of sexy farmers' daughters. That's where the real bad crashes take place."

In response to these allegations, an independent senate subcommittee has been formed to investigate the contents of each and every Boise cyclist's drawers. "We simply cannot abide this kind of blatant false advertising," explained Haywood Yaspreadum, leader of the investigative team. "To hear that Idaho's most treasured athletes are capable of such trickery would almost be as bad as hearing that some really hot chick, RuPaul for example, uses falsies."

WANNA-ROBIES COME OUT OF HIDING

For the 23rd year in a row, countless Boiseans experienced the vicarious thrill of victory, and the hollow imaginary agony of defeat as the Race to Robie Creek filled local airwaves and news headlines. "It was, like, so inspiring for a local chick to take the women's title," pontificated local barfly Leroy Plotz while watching the news inside Pengilly's on Saturday night. "That'll show people not to mess with me, I mean us. And seeing those people struggling, sweating and talking about their sore feet, it totally gives me the courage to finally face up to my own demons and finally get a checking account. I was totally thinking about running. I really almost did. Next year for sure."

Leroy, an ex-Western Idaho Fair employee currently on disability after catching his ponytail in the gears of a Ferris wheel, went on to tell other bar patrons that he had in fact run in the annual race, and was part of an Atkins-affiliated running group entitled Team No-Carb. Having long pretended to be a participant in the trendy diet, Leroy felt Team No-Carb to be a natural choice. However, he rescinded his story when newscasters revealed that the real Atkins running team, weighed down by the bottles of ranch dressing that they carried on the 13-mile course, were not able to finish the race.

AUTOMOTIVE INNOVATION BLITZKRIEG

The Ford Motor Company has gone green, and we're not talking about motion sickness. The American auto manufacturer, in a politically correct attempt to distract consumers from recent interest by historians and satirists in founder Henry Ford's active support of Nazism, has released plans to produce two hybrid electric vehicles: the Prodigy and the Escape HEV, both of which will be made publicly available in autumn of 2004.

"The way we see it, a century of bad PR will evaporate in the first cloud of electrified exhaust that slips from the mighty tailpipe of a Ford Prodigy," explained company bigwig Henry Ford VIII (I am I am). "This electric sports utility vehicle is perfect for the modern über-family trying to save money and counteract the pollution, crime and mixed bloodlines of urban life. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to announce that 'green' has officially become the new 'white.'"

The colors available for early releases of the Prodigy and Escape are Schwarzwald, Vaterland Red and the ever popular Anti-Semwhite.

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