Opinion » Bill Cope

Why They Hate Pelosi

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Hi Bill, it's me again, anonymous chairperson from the Cope's-Latest-Column Discussion Group. I hope you don't mind me calling you Bill, but we almost know one another being as I have written you eight times now, even though only two of those letters were actually mailed, and even though you don't know my name. Other than that, it's like we're buddy-buddy, isn't it?

Bill, I am unfortunate to say the Cope's-Latest-Column Discussion Group is down in membership by a factor of over half since last we intercoursed. It started three weeks ago when I suggested we call ourselves "Cope-ies" for a nickname, as in the sentence, "So Joe, when are the Cope-ies throwing their next hootenanny?" Well wouldn't you know, the very next week, this person who used to be my friend (but even back then I knew she was jealous of my chairpersonshipness position in the group) came to the meeting with a resolution to call ourselves "Cope-ers" instead of "Cope-ies." She just did it to stab me in the behind because all she's ever cared about before is if someone brings cookies and fruit punch to the meetings. We voted and slightly less than half of our membership liked "Cope-ers," and slightly less than half liked "Cope-ies," and three people said they didn't give a doody one way or the other. So I used my chairpersonshipness to decree that "Cope-ies" would definitely be our nickname, and that's when that person who used to be my friend declared she was starting up a whole new group and that they would be serving Domino's and pops instead of the traditional cookies and fruit punch, and anyone interested should follow her to her place for the very first meeting of the What's Cope Talking About? Club.

In a nutshell, all the "Cope-ers" walked out and those three un-voter people went with them. I am just so mad I could spit, but as the loyal ones are looking to me for calm leadership, I have not spit in any way people could see me doing it. Anyhoo, I thought you would like to know how your admiring fan base is doing, and if you should happen to get a letter from someone supposedly representing the What's Cope Talking About? Club, just tear it up and throw it totally away. --Yours Truly, Anonymous; Chairperson; C-L-T Disc. Gr.

PS.: Most of us at last week's C-L-C Disc. Gr. meeting were pleased to hear that you, too, were offended by that awful April Fools' Day joke story in the newspaper you write for. I could just sense that you, like me, see nothing funny about dead people. If you want me to, I could write an anonymous letter of disapproval to that newspaper, but I think you ought to look around for another paper to write for. I'm sure there are many publications that don't think dead people are funny, and they would be lucky to have you.

PPS.: Why do Republicans hate Nancy Pelosi so much?

Dear Anon, great to hear from you again, and I am sorry about the terrible schism in your group. Might the rift be temporary? Given time, might your organization cooperate with the What's Cope Talking About? Club on particular matters, much like the Catholic Church and the Lutherans do when they find a common cause? Only, let us hope it doesn't take 500 years.

As to that awful April Fools' joke Boise Weekly perpetrated on their readers, I am over my outrage. After a fruitful tete-a-tete with the author of the piece, Dr. Roberta T. Axidea, I was assured she never meant to offend anyone, and that if she had a target in mind for her mischief, it was the impression that nothing, not even our most revered memories, is sacred before the wrecking ball of mercenary modern sensibilities. Made sense to me. How about you?

On to why Republicans hate Nancy Pelosi so much. Obviously, it didn't help that she mopped the House with them during the health-care maneuvers, but I fear it goes much deeper than a dose of sour grapes.

But before we explore that dark territory, I am announcing that in the future, I will be referring to the Republican Party as the Teabagger Confederacy, as it is now clear that nothing remains of my mother's GOP. I am confident that neither Dwight Eisenhower or even Dick Nixon—let alone Teddy Roosevelt or Abe Lincoln—would touch these frothing fools with a stick. In fact, I can well imagine Ike, were he confronted with the sort of Dixie brownshirt bumpkinism that has taken control of the Right, saying, "Wait a gee dee minute here! I spent four years in Europe getting rid of this kind of trash, and now they want me to be one of them?"

Given that the Teabagger Confederacy is fueled by the simplest perceptions of reality a mind can hold and still call itself sapient, it follows that along with their infantile attitudes of nationalism, faith and racial identity, we must include gender roles. Among such circles, it is natural their hatred would be directed toward smart and independent women--e.g., Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton--just as it is has been among every ignorant fundamentalist sludge the species has ever belched up. Yes, they will elevate individual females to the level of sideshow hootchy-kootch if those individuals show a little jiggle and a talent for parroting the menfolk--thus, Palin, Bachmann and the Fox dolls--but it is no coincidence that when RNC officials go out and play, they choose a lesbian bondage club to do it in. The Right continually demonstrates an old theory of mine, that sanctimony and deviancy are co-joined twins.

Gotta run, Anon. Let's have coffee as soon as you're ready to tell me who you are.

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