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Vidiot: 3SR

Cobra (1986)

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If I had a list of films that I suspected Hollywood types had drafted a title for first (as in, "Hey, how about we make a movie called Cobra?!" "What's it about?" "Who knows, but it's gonna be called Cobra!!"), then found a way of extrapolating a character's name, or even some of its plot, then Cobra—the film in which Sylvester Stallone is a policeman whose actual name is Marion Cobretti—has made its way to the top.

Despite elements which typically equate to cinematic gold—car chases, automatic weaponry, classic cars, a body count of 50-plus, a renegade cop, a "supposed" babe (Brigitte Neilsen was always waaay too masculine for my taste), a frighteningly ugly bad guy (Brian Thompson, TV's Key West and The X Files), plus murder and mayhem—this film is now like virtually all of Stallone's non-sequeled 1980s films: fun for a few nostalgic action fans, crap to the rest of us.

Considering all you need to see of Cobra has been encapsulated in a 60-second version on YouTube, I'd recommend imbibing an online Stallone hors d'oeuvre rather than wasting time or money on the 87-minute buffet.

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