Opinion » Bill Cope

The Mad Monkey Flu

Badger Bob comes conveying compliments



"Cope, you a**h***, I never thought I'd live long enough to say this, but I'm proud of ya'. Sorta."

"Holy Whillikers, Badger, I ... I ... I think I'm going to cry. You've never said anything so nice to me before. Give me a sec here ... this is ... oh my gosh ... I just can't believe ... oh look at me ... you have a Kleenex I could borrow, Bob?"

"Jeee-zuuus, pull your s*** together, Cope! I didn't come over here to watch you blubber. And get your f***ing arms down. The only way you'll ever get a hug off me is if I'm too dead to slap you away."

"Well, Baaaw-yuub, you big lug. You've made me so happy. I've always, always wanted you to be proud of me, and now you are. You said it, I heard you, and you can't take it back. Oh gosh, it feels like my heart's just going to pop. Wow."

"Aren't you at all curious why I said it?"

"Oh golly, Badger. I don't care why you're proud of me. Just knowing that you are is enough."

"It's that column a week or two back where you called for dumping that piece of s*** Second Amendment. That's what I call 'bottom line thinking.' Going after the root of the problem instead of whacking a few leaves off the top. You should keep pounding away at it, Cope. It takes time and perseverance for anything that radical to take hold."

"Jeepers, Bob. Do you really think it's a good idea to be stirring up these gun lovers anymore than they already are? Have you heard how crazy some of them are talking? About how it's time to start shooting people and overthrowing the government and all that? It's like they caught a bad dose of the mad monkey flu or something."

"Cope, that's why we call them 'gun nuts' and not 'gun geniuses.' And this is exactly the reason we need to keep the pressure on. If we back off now, the dumb-a** vicious dog t***s like that Alex Jones and James Yeager will think their bluster worked. Same with that fascist c***s***er Wayne LaPierre and his den of NRA deviants. Boil away all the rhetorical bulls*** about the Second Amendment and arming teachers and such, and what they're really saying is, 'You'd better not f*** with us because we got guns!' Get it? They want decent Americans to fear they're too dangerous to mess with. It's how bullies and thugs and loud-mouth pr***s have always worked. They're just apes, thumping their chests and baring their teeth."

"But Bob, what if they really are too dangerous to mess with? I mean, wasn't that what Timothy McVeigh was all about ... an ape thumping his chest and baring his teeth ... only with a truck full of ammonia nitrate? Isn't that what these psycho murdering shooters are all about ... out to show the world nobody should mess with them?"

"What are you're saying, Cope? Are you backing off the call to repeal the f***ing Second Amendment?"

"No, no. That should have been scrapped the minute somebody invented a gun that could blow away 30 people before they could find a rock to jump behind. And mark my words, Bob, it's just a matter of time before some self-proclaimed 'patriot' rigs up a nuke in his garage and the NRA defends his right to have it. You know ... to defend himself against the next Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin or duly elected Democrat. But the deal is, Badger, I don't believe that repealing the Second Amendment is the 'bottom line,' like you called it."

"OK, Cope. If that isn't the f***ing bottom line, what is?"

"It's darn hard to put a name to, Bob. But there's something about this country that other countries don't seem to have, or at least not nearly as much as we do. And I think it has to do with how many meaningless, empty people we have here. People whose lives are so pointless and wasted that to give themselves some pretense of purpose, they fill their brains with imaginary enemies to hate and imaginary scenarios to do battle against. And of course, now they have the Internet to fill in all the details of their paranoid delusions.

"It's why Barack Obama can't simply be wrong about an issue or make a misguided decision in their eyes. He has to be some kind of evil conniving monster ... a secret Muslim, an infiltrator with a scheme to bring America down, a Marxist out to destroy capitalism. He can't just be trying to find a reasonable policy about what sort of weapons should be tolerated in an open society. He's got to be plotting the confiscation of all guns along with the death of liberty and the handing of the country over to globalists ... whatever they are. And that's what I think may be the real bottom line here, Bob ... disturbed, dumb people so obsessed with this made-up world they've concocted that they're willing to see any number of folks die rather than admit the barren reality of their lives."

"You realize what you're saying, don't you ... that the only difference between the crazy f***ed-up mass shooters and the crazy f***ed-up gun nuts is in which crazy f***ed-up ideas they have in their heads? And that both of them would choose to kill rather than live in the world as it really is?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess that's right. That's what I'm saying."

"Cope, you know you're gonna catch a trainload of s*** for saying that, don't you?"

"Probably so, Bob. Probably so. But then isn't it always the ugliest truths that bring up the ugliest reactions?"

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