Substitute Columnist

Cope takes some "me" time

| September 16, 2009

Warning: The following piece was written by Robert Berserquierre--aka "Badger Bob"--who is far less concerned than Mr. Cope about how some language and opinions might offend various people in the Boise community. If your sensibilities are particularly delicate when it comes to bad words, or if you have an unusual fondness for the Republican Party, it is suggested you wait for the release of the family version (possibly sponsored by KTVB Channel 7 and hosted by Carolyn Holly). Cope will return next week, or whenever he has recovered from whatever ails him.

--"The Editor"

Soon as I came down from the hills, I headed for Cope's house with a bone to pick. What a goof. Supposed to be an opinion writer, and he continually misses the real meat of what's going on. I was all set to give him one of my level-three tutorials, but his wife answered the door and told me the lazy bastard was still in bed.

"He sick or something?"

"Bob, he's depressed," she says. I always liked her. Any woman who can put up with that snot for 35 years is either a saint or he's paying her to stick around. And Cope ain't got that kind of money. "Awfully, awfully depressed. He says he just wants to stay asleep until it's all over."

"Until what's all over?"

"I don't know. He won't say. Maybe if you talked to him ..." Her eyes were dripping desperation. If it hadn't been for that, I'd have let him rot in his jammies.

"Cope! Get your ass out of bed and get moving!" He sat up like something with a lot of legs had crawled across his crotch.

"Bob! Y'r back! Thank God! Ooh, I'm so glad. So, so glad. I thought you were maybe gonna stay up in the boonies forever. Hey, Bob, would you write the column this week. I just can't ... just can't."

"What the hell's wrong with you? Writer's block?"

"Oh no, Bob. If only it were that simple. No, God no. There's too much, not too little. Too, too much. It's those rotten Republicans. I can't keep up with them. I just can't. Just when you think they've come up with something as disgusting and stupid and senseless as it can get, they turn around and come up with something even more disgusting and stupid and senseless. It's too much for me, Bob. A man can only do so much!" He dropped back into a fetal position and hugged his pillow.

"Is it that horseshit over Obama's speech to the kids last week? Or that dumb Carolina turd who called the president a liar?"

"It's both, yeah. Too stupid to stomach, I tell you. But it's not just those things. It's everything. Everything they been doing to Obama, Bob. The assholes are doing it for fun! I swear they are. How else can you explain why they'd raise a stink over the president of the United States talking to school kids? Then they have all those retards shouting down speakers at town hall meetings. Or how 'bout the retards showing up at Obama events strapped with guns or the retards who won't stop comparing Obama to Hitler. Talk about retards! They're like a gang of middle-school dropouts poking a frog with sharp sticks. Tell me ... how's a fella supposed to respond to all the sludge oozing out of the brains of average teabaggers? ... not to mention what the Republican retards in Congress come up with! Michelle Bachman? ... I mean, Gawd! How does someone like that end up in Congress? Or that Wilson creep? Or nearly all of them, for that matter. If they all belonged to the Jaycees down in Asswipe, Ark., I could believe it. But the Congress of the United States of America? Really? And then, to top it all off, I had to let Red go, so's I don't even have a Republican hillbilly sidekick character anymore to explain in his idiot, backwards sort of semi-intelligible way how they can think the way they do!"

"C'mon, baby, you knew what kind of vicious little shitheels they were when you got into this business, didn't you? I thought that's why you picked up the opinion pen. To fight back."

"Well, yeah, Bob. But there's so many other things we need to talk about. Important things. Health-care reform. Education reform. Economic reform. Energy reform. Wars, wolves and Walt Minnick. Global warming and continents of plastic floating in the Pacific. Obesity in 10-year-old boys and anorexia in little girls. All that stuff we should be thinking about and talking about and figuring out, and they always manage to turn the topic around to Michelle showing her arms or whether Barack is the Antichrist or not. See what I mean, Bob? It's like trying to carry on a conversation with a pack of baboons tearing up the next room!"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. That why I came over."


"No. Republicans. You aren't seeing it like it is, Cope. You've got it all backwards. You're thinking the country isn't taking proper care of the really big issues because the Republicans always find a way to distract us and lead the media off down Loon Lane. You see them as incidental idiots who always manage to hold up progress on the serious problems. But that's upside down, Cope. Here's what you don't get. The really big issue in this country anymore, the most serious problem anymore, is the Republican Party. They're running wild, them and their affiliate shitheels like the gun nut NRA goons and the religious hairballs and those greasy pukes at Fox News. And Cope, it goes way beyond them acting like obstructionist jerks like Grassley or mouthy clowns like that Beck character. It goes beyond their stunted politics and their phony outrages. Cope, they're killing people. Thousands and thousands of people. That's what you need to be writing about ... how the Republicans couldn't care less that people are dying because of their ideology. People dying because they can't get health care. People dying because of the dogshit NRA. People dying in the wars they start. Cope, that's the issue here ... that Republicans have hurt this country more than all its enemies put together. That they have killed more Americans than terrorists could ever hope to. That's what people need to think about. That's what you should be writing about."

"Gosh, Bob. If you do my column for next week, is that what you're gonna say?"

"It oughta be said."

"Strong stuff, Bob."

"Truth usually is, Cope."


Comments (9)

Showing 1-9 of 9

I would comment but I don't speak Idiot.

Posted by dlb on 09/16/2009 at 8:50 AM

Bill... you really DO need some "me" time!

I know you're just trying to present something original in your weekly partisan rant. But as a long-time reader, I can confidently say that the content of your column is suffering as you focus solely on "style." (If your bitter, angry, confrontational, juvenile, totally-hypocritical prose can be accused of having "style.")

But I s'pose if BW still pays you, it's nice to have a Meal Ticket, huh? It's hard to imagine there are legions of Cope fans out there sitting in the Starbucks or Flying M, reading your column and pumping their fists in the air. If so, perhaps it's the medications that are preventing them from realizing you say pretty much the same thing, week in and week out. (You could put an "executive summary" at the top of most of your columns: "Democrats Good; Republicans Bad.") At least you're consistent even if very simplistic.

(Like dlb before me... I'm a little embarrassed to even respond.)

Posted by bikeboy on 09/16/2009 at 11:20 AM

Well, then, bikeboy--DON'T. No one wants to hear your shit anyway. It just so happens that I am a non-medicated, born and bred Idaho Democrat who feels the same despair as Mr. Cope. I am sick and tired of watching Republicans (much like your lovely self I presume) ruin this country with your selfishness, inbreeding and hypocrisy. And every week I tune into Cope’s rants just to strengthen my soul, to confirm that not every Idahoan I share the air with is a total ignoramus. But, there you go ruining my little slice of happiness. So do us a favor and stuff it. Or, here’s an idea, actually take a moment and LISTEN to what Cope (and the rest of us) are trying to say. Help us fix this country instead of following in GW’s footsteps and doing your best to run us into the ground!

Posted by mrsc on 09/17/2009 at 3:09 PM


How DARE you accuse me of being a Republican!!! Any OBJECTIVE observer (obviously excludes you as well as Mr. Cope) will acknowledge that the two parties-in-power get to share the credit for the mess we are in! The Democrats certainly haven't been totally powerless for the last 50 years or so. And the Republicans can still be obstructionists in 2009, despite their being considerably outnumbered.

But for you guys to believe that YOUR name-calling and belittling and characterizations and fingers-in-your-ears-screaming-LA-LA-LA-LA so as not to hear other opinions is somehow more righteous than the right-wingers... that's just delusional, my friend. That's all I'm trying to get at. (Sorry... didn't mean to insult you by suggesting you would befriend such as me!)

As far as "fixing this country," please understand if your idea (and Cope's) of a "fix" may not meet with 100% approval. Some of us still believe that "small government is good government," and that government doesn't have to provide a solution to every citizen's every problem.

I hope my comment is a little more civil and congenial than yours. If you're truly interested in working together for solutions, it might help if you're not characterizing the people you need to work with as feckless morons. (That wouldn't register with Mr. Cope, but maybe there's still hope for you.)

Have a great day!

Posted by bikeboy on 09/17/2009 at 4:49 PM

Cope! Cope! Get outta bed! Please, please get up! I need to hear your response to the wisdom Badger Bob passed on to you before they kill me! Oh ya, I believe they are after me. I recently commented to my one Republican friend that he should read what they are saying on BOTH sides of the aisle. Boy! Was that a mistake! After he called me the usual communist, socialist, fascist titles, he told me he was going to put large objects up my rectum and jump on me until my guts came out my pores! C'mon Cope, get otta bed! America needs your rescue!

Posted by Jetman on 09/18/2009 at 1:14 PM

This is about the fourth or fifth article I have read this week wherein some clueless dingbat advocated for a one-party political system. Sorry, friends, but I've been there, done that. Five years in Bob Mugabe's Modern Socialist Zimbabwe was enough for me. You know, the same Bob Mugabe that Jimmy Carter and Andrew Young forced onto the people of that once lovely country.

Only a "progressive" or a moron (a distinction without a difference, I afraid) would advocate what Cope's hand puppet is advocating.

Posted by Patience Dogood on 09/18/2009 at 8:08 PM

Forget to mention: first Carter calls all white people racists for not wanting a one-party state, then Cope claims that anyone who is critical of the crap Congress is trying to dump on us ((i.e. Republicans) are baboons, which is a very, very racist thing to call anyone.

Posted by Patience Dogood on 09/18/2009 at 8:17 PM

Wow, I read this article and am shocked at the craziness. How can you be serious? Are you living in the same country I am? It takes two to tango and you can not be serious that you believe it's all Republican's fault. Look in the mirror - neither one is perfect. There are politics at play on both sides and don't kid yourself. It's just like a crazy liberal to blame the other side for all the issues. I remember after 9/11 they were all hugging and getting along. It's the nature of the beast. It would be nice to see some teamwork for a change -on both sides.

Posted by Bigtix on 09/18/2009 at 8:34 PM

mr. berserquierre,

i am not opposed to your dislike of the republican party, your use of colourful language, or even the point you make but i do object to your use of the word "retard". by doing so you have paired individuals, labeled as retarded and have likened them to persons that "(shout) down speakers at town hall meetings", "(show) up at Obama events strapped with guns", or "won't stop comparing Obama to Hitler".

as a person who has worked for a non-profit that serves the "retarded" or "developmentally delayed" or (whatever label is currently PC ) for the past 25 years, i can tell you that i have never once witnessed anyone do the things you have described here. to continue to use "retard" in the derogatory is to perpetuate the devaluation of a demographic undeserving of such treatment.

it may seem like a small and unrelated point but i believe it is how we use a word and who it applies to that can make it harmful.

i believe the word you may be looking for is "ignorant". there is a difference.

monty thomson
boise id.

Posted by mt on 09/19/2009 at 11:42 AM
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