I don't want to alarm you, but if what I think is going to happen happens, you should be prepared. That's the way I look at it. And I'd rather you hear it from me than from ... oh, for instance, Dee Sarton or Wayne Dzubak. So let me get a deep breath here ... gosh, this isn't easy for me to say, but ... but ... there's every chance I may be going to jail. You heard me. Jail.
I don't know, it could be for a few days ... could be years. I just don't know. We'll have to wait and see what a judge says. And before the judge can come up with a ruling, I have to be charged with what I might be going to jail for. And before that happens, I have to do it.
But I can sense that you're wondering what it is I'm going to do that might land my fanny in the slammer. Technically, it's what I am not going to do that might land my fanny in the slammer, which is that I will absolutely not divulge my source on an important news exclusive-the details of which I haven't told you yet, but believe me, it concerns a highly sensitive White House secret. And the second I tell you this highly sensitive piece of administration dirt, Alberto Gonzales will start thumping out subpoenas with my name on the top faster than Dick Cheney can wiggle out of a previously stated position. Truly, this information you will soon know about is exactly the sort of thing the Bush people don't want you to know about. And seeing as how Bush, himself, has promised to put an end to insider leaks and ferret out inside leakers, I'm certain they will not rest until they force me to tell them who told me what I'm about to tell you. Which I absolutely will not do.
So it only follows that if they can throw a Pulitzer-winning New York Times reporter like Judith Miller in the pokey for not divulging her source on the relatively minor matter of who outed a CIA agent, you can imagine what they're going to do to a part-timer small fry like me for not divulging my source on a journalistic bombshell that speaks to the very heart of the Bush administration. Huh? Can you imagine!?
Ah, but I guess it's time I set this sad episode of journalism vs. jurisprudence in motion. Here it is, the White House dirty laundry that should tell you exactly what kind of people are running our country ... the truth our citizenry must know, even if it means I eat off a tin plate for the rest of my life and have a toilet next to my bed, here it is: I have it on good authority that Karl Rove is a craven coward who hides his vile soul behind a facade of intelligence and who would allow innocent women to suffer rather than take responsibility for his own corruption.
There. It's out. Now let the legal battles begin.
Pretty bombshell-y stuff, what? That the man who orchestrated Bush's ascension from Austin village idiot to the Embarrassment-in-Chief ... the man who so filled Bush's empty gourd with policy, political philosophy and phony principle that the moron actually thinks he thought of it himself ... the man we are really hearing whenever Bush flaps his slack jaw ... that this man (and I use the term only in its loosest sense) is such a lowlife crud he would destroy one woman's career in order to discredit her husband, and allow another to languish in a jail cell for months to protect his own flabby ass.
But seriously, I've possibly exaggerated my own chances for serving time because my revelation comes as no state secret to those who know a thing or two about Rove's history. From his first political involvement to the present, he has demonstrated less interest in ethics, integrity and honor than he has shown for personal fitness-and if you've ever watched him waddle away from the cameras as though "wedgie" is a condition he has accepted as inevitable, you'll know that's really saying something.
At the tender age of 19, Rove slithered into the headquarters of an Illinois Democrat running for a public office and stole campaign stationery, on which he distributed damaging disinformation. Shortly after that, in a scheme that showed he was as capable of sliming fellow Republicans as Democrats, he became a leader of the College Republicans and as a result, ended up on Poppa Bush's staff. (Evidently, the entire Bush clan likes to keep lowdown dirty dogs around as house pets. Either that, or they simply needed a political Luka Brazzi figure in the family to do, as they say in the Soprano organization, the "wet work.")
In the years to follow, Rove would: bug his own office phone and blame it on Democrats; initiate a rumor campaign that Bush opponent Ann Richards was a lesbian; be fired from Poppa's 1992 re-election campaign for leaking information (to Robert Novak ... go figure); field another rumor in the 2000 primary race that John McCain had fathered an illegitimate child; organize and coach the army of party goons who went to Florida to bully and scream Bush into the White House; endanger the aforementioned spy as a snotty revenge on her husband ... and those are just the things we know about!
So it should come as no shock that such a "man" should turn out to be an abuser of women, too. I'm only surprised that the Washington press corps-all those famous faces who get paid the big bucks to keep America informed-haven't stumbled across this secret long before me. Really, had at some point those crackerjack journalists only investigated why Bush (Rove's crony for over 30 years) would nickname his closest advisor "Turd Blossom" (in reference to some Texas flora that grows only in excrement), maybe the excremental truth about Rove would have come out a lot sooner.
Now that he's been caught, Rove is claiming he did nothing wrong, that he mentioned the CIA lady to reporters only to assist in their investigation, that he didn't know she was a covert agent, and that he didn't actually say her name, anyway ... all of which begs the question as to why he didn't come forward at the beginning of this affair, thereby sparing Judith Miller a prison sentence.
But what am I saying? We now know why he didn't come forward, don't we? Once we have established that Karl Rove is a "craven coward who hides his vile soul behind a facade of intelligence and who would allow innocent women to suffer rather than take responsibility for his own corruption," the rest falls into place, doesn't it? The only question left is how such a cancerous creep could have ended up in the White House when he so obviously deserves an 8-by-10 suite in the Big House.