Opinion » Bill Cope

Red Hearts Rick

He's all frothed up over Santorum



"Hooray for Rick! Hooray for Rick! Hooray for ..."

"Shush up, Red! You've got every dog in the neighborhood going nuts."

"You shush up, Cope. Ain't my fault if dogs get as hopped up on Rick as I do."

"So now it's Rick Santorum, huh? Your flexibility amazes me, pal. It was hardly a month ago you were here whooping about Mitt Romney."

"Yeah, wull, I got over that. Listenin' to Mitt talk makes me too nervous. An' watching him is even worse. Ever'time I see him try to look comfy in blue jeans, it's like he's carrying open razor blades in his pockets an' he's afraid to make any sudden moves. Besides, the candidate o' my dreams is finally come true. We got us a man now what'll put an end to this separatin' of churches and states, and who'll stop all this promiscuish diddlin' around out of these young, good-looking, curvy girls. We got us the man we always hoped George W. Bush was gonna turn into. We got us a true conservative now, and that means we don't need any more of Mitt an' his blue jeans."

"So tell me. Back when you were a Newt Gingrich supporter, you considered him a true conservative, didn't you?"

"He was close, Cope. Yessir, ol' Newt was almost to being what we true conservatives call a true conservative. But in all that talk he did about cultural warfarin' and secular humanisters, he never once said how it makes him want to throw up when he hears about Jack Fitzwilly Kennedy keepin' his Cath'lickacism apart from his presidentalism. That's what it takes to be a true conservative, Cope ... the strength to puke for your beliefs. An' if you notice, Rick's got a look on his face what tells me that if he even imagined he smelled somethin' bad, he could gag up ever'thing in his belly. That man is ready for some serious regurglitation, you can tell."

"I know what you mean. He always looks like he's still got the taste of vomit in his mouth, doesn't he?"

"You bet, an' that's what I'm talkin' about. I don't know how a man can call hisself a true conservative unless he's willin' to up-chuck over his principles."

"Tell me, Red. Were you even worried about contraception before Santorum brought it up?"

"Cain't say as I was, Cope. I got t'admit, 'til Rick told us what a immoral mistake it was to give women access to them little pills anytime they wanted, I never put much thinking into it. But ain't that what a great leader does? ... t' turn us against stuff what we always thought was no big deal?"

"Uh, yeah, I suppose history's full of leaders like that. But I wouldn't exactly call any of them 'great.' Besides, don't you have to wonder how many more stupid tricks your precious GOP can dream up before there's not a woman left in the whole damn party?"

"What you mean ... 'stupid tricks?'"

"I mean stupid tricks like the ultrasound requirement before getting an abortion, or the attempt to choke out Planned Parenthood, or a dumb lump like Chuck Winder questioning whether women are telling the truth about being raped, or another dumb lump from Indiana attacking the Girl Scouts for promoting feminism. It goes on and on, Red. Can't you see what's happening? Women are jumping out of the Republican bus like they just found out the toilet's full of herpes bugs and Ted Bundy's the driver."

"Maybe so ... for now. But they'll be back. You watch, when they find out they ain't got enough money in their purses to buy gas to get home, them little gals'll come crawling back to the party what aims to be drillin', baby, drillin'."

"I see. So the Republican strategy hinges on convincing women that cheaper gas is more in their interest than their freedom of choice?"

"Wull, duh! Cope, do you see any other strategy goin' on?"

"Actually, no. But you've heard, I'm sure, that Romney has it sewn up? That no one can catch him? It's what everyone's saying."

"Yeah, I heard that. But I got it figured a different way. See, Rick's gonna hang in all the way to the convention, see? An' he'll keep on sayin' the good stuff, like how we wouldn't be having all this trouble if only little chil'rens could still sing Jesus songs in school. Or how them birth control pills have turned so many womens into single mother sluts. Or how it don't matter that Barack Obama fixed the economy 'cause the real reason God is pissed off at 'Merica don't have nothing to do with the unemployment rate.

"See? He'll keep saying what true conservatives wanna hear. An' by the time of the convention, they'll be itching to norminate Rick because no one likes Mitt anyway. It's what's called a 'broked-down convention.' If you been following the diff'ernt caucuses and primaries real close, you notice that in about most of 'em, nobody seems to be able to count the votes right anyway. They mussed up the count in Iowa and in Maine and in Michigan and in just about ever'where else Republicans were running the show. So it makes sense to me they'll muss up the counting at the convention come this summer. And that's how it'll all end up. With Rick squeakin' into the top dog spot on account o' somebody else's votes came up missin'. See?"

"I see, I see. You're relying on the natural corruption and ineptitude of Republican election officials to put Santorum over the top."

"An' don't forget God's hand in this, Cope. All that natural corporuption and inpeptitude gotta come from somewhere, don't they?"

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