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My Ordeal

By Jack "the content to stay at home" Gnome

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I gnever intended to get kidgnapped. It just happened. I was exposed, left out in the open after my bath. Then that evening two scary people walked by.

One said, "Hey, a gnome."

The other said, "Get him."

I couldn't run fast enough and I was taken away to their den of sin. At first they treated me gnot so bad. I was fed my usual diet of strawberries and mushrooms, but after a while they began abusing me. At first it was just verbal.

"You're kind of small for a gnome, aren't you?" one would ask.

Then the other would add, "We gnow you have thoughts about that pink flamingo down the street. Don't you? Don't you, you filthy gnome!"

Later the abuse turned physical. They began giving me rotten strawberries to eat and poisonous mushrooms. I think there might have been some of those "funny" mushrooms too. One day, when I refused to eat they beat me with a small garden soaker hose. Another day, I was put out in the hot sun and on one of the rainy days they put me in the lowest spot in their yard. They sat inside at the window and laughed as they watched the water rise. I was very scared but the water only made it up to my beard.

Then they made me eat dog poo but that wasn't the worst. When they pulled out the video camera and brought in Mistress Trixie the DomiGnome I almost "lost it." They stripped me, tied me up and Trixie proceeded to make me her slave. I felt so humiliated and ashamed.

They are the ones who forced me to write those letters. They told me that if I didn't do what they asked, Luther would suffer the same fate and perhaps that little pixie next door would get hers, too. I did what they said and planned my escape.

I began to sense they were tiring of me. So, I encouraged it along with what little magic I had left. I left subliminal messages around their house at gnight to take me back home. Finally, one day they told me they had enough and would return me, but that if I ever told my tale they would come and get me.

When I got home I discovered that many more gnomes had decided to come to Bingo's new Home for Wayward Gnomes, some from as far away as China. Although I was content in his yard before, now it is so much better.

I have assurances from Bingo that I will be protected. He has hired some gargoyles to protect me, Luther and my gnew friends. He also said he has contracted with a badass garden sprite named Sid to hunt down my captors and enact a little revenge. I never gnew their real identities and I had been blindfolded during transport so I'm not sure where they live. They go by the gname of Narnia Jones and Hector Gonzales and if you see them, please contact Bingo so he can sic Sid on them.

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