It has been two years since Nostril Bill issued any prophesies. He cannot recall why he had no predictions for 2012, but no one knows better than him that visions of the future are much like cold sores: Sometimes ya' got 'em, sometimes ya' don't.
This year, he got 'em, by golly. (Visions of the future, that is. Not cold sores.) He started having them way last fall but with the election coming up and the fiscal cliff and one damned thing after another, he is just now getting around to relating them. For instance, as early as Halloween, he could foretell that during the earliest days of 2013, our jolly veep, Joe Biden, would grab Sen. Mitch McConnell by the wattle and not let go until the bug-eyed Senate minority leader agreed to a tax increase on rich people.
But poor Nostril had no opportunity to pass it on until after it had happened, and there is no task more thankless than passing on a prophesy to the public two weeks after it has already come true. This is why Nostril Bill will not include (what will become known as) "Wattle-Gate" in the following list of visions ... which he predicts will start immediately following the completion of this sentence. Like ... now.
Jan. 17: Republican Sen. Mike Crapo will resign his office and take a lucrative position as the legislative liaison for Five Wives Vodka.
Jan. 18: In the wake of Crapo's resignation, Gov. C.L. "Butch" Otter will appoint Sen. Jim Risch's wife, Vicki, to the vacant seat, making the Risches the first married couple in American history to be senators at the same time.
Jan. 24: Superintendent of Public Instruction Tom Luna will introduce his new reform package, "Students is our Future."
Feb. 12: During the president's State of the Union speech, South Carolina Republican Rep. Joe Wilson will again shout out, "You lie!" This time, Barack Obama will step confidently off the podium, walk down the aisle to Wilson, and slap the crap out of him.
March 3: To counter the expanding support for more stringent laws concerning firearms, the National Rifle Association will launch a film production division, NRA Grand. Its first project will be a television comedy depicting the lighter side of having Glock-packing teachers in the classroom and Officer McWilly patrolling the halls in his snazzy neo-SWAT outfit. Following is a sample of the show's hilarious repartee:
Jimmy: "Missus Crapapple, Missus Crapapple! Sneezer Boogerhead punched me on the shoulder! It hoits so baaaaad."
Mrs. Crapapple: "Jimmy O'Brady, I'm sick to death of you complaining all the time. Now you sit down and shut up, or I'll show you something with a real punch."
Title of the new sit-com: Room .223.
April 22: Celebrity chef Paula Deen will premiere yet another way to shed unwanted pounds. Insisting she has unearthed a weight-loss secret that goes back to the Greek city-state of Sparta, she names it Paula Deen's Spartan Pomegranate and Pork Chop Diet.
"You don't have to deprive yourself of anything you feel like eating, Honey" Ms. Deen will insist, "as long as you start your meal with a pomegranate and end it with a pork chop."
May 1: On this day, Lindsay Lohan will not be arrested for something, making it three straight days of her not being arrested for something.
June 28: A spokesman for the Mayan Anti-Defamation League (MADL) will announce that the world is really, really, really going to end on Dec. 21, 2013. He apologizes for last year's mix-up, recalling the embarrassment his organization experienced when the 12/21/12 date turned out not to be the Day of Doom in accordance with the ancient Mayan calendar. But, as he goes on to explain, that misreckoning was the result of someone forgetting to convert the original Mayan calculations to the metric system.
"Could of happened to anyone," he'll shrug.
To add an extra dose of drama to the revised version of the dire prophecy, it will be arranged for the announcement to be made at precisely high noon on the summer solstice, June 21. However, due to a misreading of the "Cuddly Kittens and Pudgy Puppies" calendar in the office of MADL, the press conference is accidentally set for one whole week later than intended, demonstrating that those Mayans still have a thing or two to learn about scheduling an event.
Sept. 3: Mitt Romney will be spotted at the Iowa State Fair pretending to enjoy a plate of biscuits and gravy.
Sept. 4: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie will be spotted at the Iowa State Fair, going through a plate of biscuits and gravy like a baleen whale goes through a cloud of krill. (Later in that same month, Christie will make public his decision to go on the Paula Deen's Spartan Pomegranate and Pork Chop Diet. To a reporter who questions his decision, Christie will snap, "Look at those Spartans, you idiot. They had to be doing something right. You got a problem with that?"
Dec. 20: On the day before the world ends, every household in Idaho will receive a 5x7 card with a picture of Sen. Risch and Sen. Risch smooching under a sprig of mistletoe held over their heads by McConnell, hiding his still-tender wattle behind a fluffy white beard. The caption will read, "From Senators' Little Helper to you, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year."
Dec. 21: The world will end. Many Idahoans will regret it couldn't have happened one day sooner.