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Half Man, Half Machine, Half Medical Experiment • Down on the Pharm

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HALF MAN, HALF MACHINE, HALF MEDICAL EXPERIMENT

If you're willing to live with a few unpredictable side effects in order to have a slightly cooler body medical scientists are working on some far-out implants for various bizarre purposes. Among the inventions we have to look forward to over the next 15 years are brain chips that will enable you to control machines with your thoughts; microchips that will enhance your memory; electro-therapy, which will bring paralyzed limbs back into action; shock therapy to eliminate your body fat; contact lenses to track your blood sugar and blood pressure, and an implant that will give you a tan and fight skin cancer. Unfortunately, you'll still be miserable ... (CentralChronical.com)

DOWN ON THE PHARM

UK scientists have developed genetically modified chickens that will lay eggs that contain proteins needed to produce cancer-fighting drugs. Professor Harry Griffin, director of the Roslin Institute near Edinburgh, told the BBC that 15 years of work has resulted in the first generation of 500 birds that lay eggs containing proteins, which can be used to treat malignant melanoma or to stop viruses from replicating in cells.

HAVE A HOMER FOR BREAKFAST

OK, so the genetically modified eggs don't sound very appetizing. However, another wacky food engineer has finally created the perfect food--a doughnut laced with caffeine. Molecular scientist Dr. Robert Bohanon claims to have figured out a way to add caffeine to baked goods without adding any of the bitter taste of caffeine. Her recipe will add the equivalent of about two cups of coffee to each piece of pastry. The good doctor is already in business discussions with Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks, so you can look forward to getting high on them soon. (AP)

MILLION DOLLAR PSYCHIC LOOPHOLE

If you've been itching to get a shot at James Randi's million bucks in his infamous psychic challenge, you better hurry because the doors are closing on unknown delusional nutcases who hope to part the old man from his money. According to a post at Randi.org the rules will change on April 1 and people with supernatural powers will need to bring the backing of the media and academia before they will be tested. According to Jeff Wagg, who administers the challenge, the new rules are being implemented because "we can't waste the hundreds of hours that we spend every year on the nutcases out there--people who say they can fly by flapping their arms." With all that time saved, Randi's foundation is planning a public-shaming initiative to help bring down high-profile psychics such as John Edward and Sylvia Browne. (Wired)

YOU CAN'T JUDGE A RECORD BY IT'S COVER

If you've never Googled the phrase "worst album covers of all time," do yourself a favor and go do so now. I'll meet you back here after you finish pissing yourself.

ROADKILL THEATRE

I don't suppose you do much squirrel hunting, but you might just hit one of those little guys with your car, in which case, it might be good to know that squirrel meat is just as good as that chicken you pay good money for. But how to cook it? Well, head on over to CuriousTimes.com, where I've posted a link to a video called "Squirrel Melts," a masterpiece of absolutely surreal entertainment from the old TV Carnage compilations (TVCarnage.com). This one is of a bizarre cooking show segment in which a good-ol-southern-girl gets in the kitchen and shows you how to cook up your latest victim. It's funny at first, because it looks like a joke, but gets even funnier as you realize this woman is completely serious. And yes, those squirrel melts do look delicious ...

EVERY DAY SHOULD BE A HOLIDAY

So what are we supposed to celebrate if we don't like stupid pink hearts full of crap chocolate? Have no fear, the Internet has the answer. Go mark your calendar now so you don't miss Do a Grouch a Favor Day (Feb. 16), International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day (Feb. 23), and Public Sleeping Day (Feb. 28).

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK

Every 20th dog or cat injury treated by a veterinary is the result of sexual assault.

Get waaay more bizarro news at CuriousTimes.com.

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