Opinion » Bill Cope

Gangbang, Tampa

Forget the egos; let's hear from the ids

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Aug. 22: It matters little to me who will speak at the GOP convention. I won't be watching. I just don't have the stomach for it. I would rather pierce my own nose than subject myself to even one speech by even one Republican speechifier. If anything significant comes from the mouths of these people, I'm confident I will learn about it soon afterward. I am also confident that nothing significant will come from the mouths of these people.

However, my fear and loathing of the modern GOP does not prevent me from offering suggestions on how its convention should be run. I am convinced the lineup of speeches and entertainment I have put together is much closer to the true heart of the Republican zeitgeist than anything you will hear from the spectacle they will stage. At the least, my schedule is thematically consistent, rather than a four-day scattershot of anti-gay, anti-immigrant, anti-union, anti-government blather and bile. The agenda I propose is tight, to the point and reflective of what these frightened, angry little men have shown over and over to be most relevant to them. It unfolds as follows ...

Aug. 27: The convention opens with, predictably, the "Star Spangled Banner." Without missing a beat, the band Guns and Roses follows the anthem with a raucous rendition of its song "Back Off, Bitch!"

After the whooping and hollering dies down, Donald Trump (not Chris "Feed Me!" Christie, as originally planned) delivers the keynote address, a rambling expansion of something he told an interviewer last week. Title: "Women Don't Get It." (I foresee that Trump is unable to continue with the body of his speech until the crowd stops chanting the title, followed by the response "But They're Gonna!")

Aug. 28: Let us call this evening's events the "That's Not Your Uterus!" expo. Speakers include Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, exciting the delegates with vivid descriptions of the things he's witnessed while researching his decision to push for transvaginal ultrasound procedures. He is followed by Rick Santorum, speaking once again to the sin, the wanton promiscuity, wild sex orgies and rampant swingers' weekends in which out-of-control females will indulge if allowed to continue using birth control in any form. (By the end of Santorum's segment, the male delegates will have returned to their chairs, sitting quietly, legs crossed in an effort to conceal their erections.)

In an effort to placate the extreme pro-life groups, next comes Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin, who will lecture the crowd as to exactly which female body parts are involved in the prevention of pregnancy during a "legitimate" rape. He brings with him an oversized anatomical diagram of the female form which rolls up into a scroll when he is done poking and probing at it with a laser pointer.

Topping off the evening will be Rush Limbaugh. His presentation compares Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton to Sarah Palin. No matter the focus--be it legs, fannies, breasts or hair-dos--Sarah wins every comparison hands down. In his 30 minutes, he uses the words "slut" or "sluts" 57 times.

Aug. 29: The primetime begins with a medley of various songs, performed as a duet by Ted Nugent and Herman Cain. Songs include "I Like Big Butts" by Sir Mix-A-Lot, "Ho" by Ludacris and a stirring finale of Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" blended seamlessly with James Brown's "It's A Man's World."

When the tears finally dry in the delegates' eyes, Rep. Paul Ryan is introduced as the vice-presidential nominee. He spends the next 45 minutes whipping the convention floor into a frenzy by explaining, detail by detail, how women rely on the social safety net much more than men. "Six out of 10 food stamp recipients are women with children. (Boo! Boo!) Medicaid patients are 70 percent women. (Boooo!) Elderly women depend on Social Security and Medicare twice as much as men. (Boooooooo!) But with the Ryan Budget," says Ryan, "We will change all that. (Yah!) No more federal funding for domestic abuse shelters. (Yaaah!) No more taxpayer dollars for Chapter 9 mandates. (Yaaaah!) We'll swap entitlements for vouchers, then phase out the vouchers! (Yaaaaaah!) They need to learn self-reliance as handed down to us by our Founding Fathers!" The crowd goes wild.

Aug. 30: The final night begins with a beautiful, gauzy film on how righteous cultures from around the world--Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Ethiopia and, of course, Utah--regard women as gifts from God. Then comes Mitt Romney, introduced by his wife as the next president of the United States.

He assures the delegates that as president, he would never dream of interfering with the free market's wishes ... how if employers decide to pay women 70 cents on each dollar made by their male counterparts, that's their business, not the government's ... how his administration will squelch the contagion of frivolous sexual harassment and discrimination lawsuits ... how he will defund not just Planned Parenthood but any other program that would dare come between a woman and God's Plan for her body ... how he is totally on board with the GOP platform, including its exclusion of rape and incest as excuses for abortion, even though, as he explains, "I would have chosen other words."

The convention closes with balloons dropping from the ceiling, confetti flying through the air and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Paul Anka's "She's Having My Baby."

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