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December 28, 2005

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END OF THE WORLD UPDATE

Astronomers are desperately trying to get world governments to take them seriously in order to come up with a way to divert an incoming asteroid which could cause massive destruction on Earth in a few decades. Scientists have been monitoring a 390-meter wide asteroid named Apophis that may very well be on a collision course with our planet in 2036. They estimate the asteroid would cause destruction 100,000 times greater than the nuclear blast over Hiroshima. According to people who claim to know these things, objects large enough to cause mass extinctions hit the Earth every hundred million years, and we are overdue for one now. (The Guardian)

THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, PART II

Of course, we may not make it all the way to 2036 anyway. December 21, marks exactly seven years until the end of the world according to the Mayans, an ancient culture that was based on extremely accurate astronomy. The Mayan calendar began on Aug. 13, 3114 B.C., (as we would count it) and ends on December 21, 2012. At that point, many believe that the world will come to some kind of apocalyptic ending. Or not ... others believe that the alignment of sun and Earth pointing to the galactic center on that day will move our planet from the third to the fourth dimension, and God knows what kind of freaky shit that'll bring. Check it out on the Web by doing a search on "Mayan Calendar" and "December 21, 2012" for plenty of mind-warping info.

HOW COULD HE STUFF HIS FAT ASS DOWN A CHIMNEY?

A vicar in the United Kingdom ruined Christmas for hundreds of kids after explaining to them the cold logic that proves that Santa Claus doesn't exist. First, he told the kids that the workload of visiting every home on Earth in one night would easily kill St. Nick, who would be required to deliver about 378 million presents to 91.8 million homes. Besides, he explained, to pull off that feat his reindeer would have to fly about 3,000 times the speed of sound, which would vaporize them into millions of little reindeer pieces. After a predictable outrage from parents, the vicar apologized, saying that he meant the story to be funny. "I made a serious misjudgment," he later admitted. (Daily Mirror)

SHOULDN'T GOD BE ON THIS LIST?

Santa Claus has come out on top of Forbes magazine's list of the 15 richest fictional characters in history. The list also includes Richie Rich (no. 3), Lex Luthor (no. 4), Thurston Howell III (no. 9) and Ebenezer Scrooge (no. 12).

MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU'RE FIRED

Beware the office Christmas party. Research carried out by a financial company in Great Britain found that about 15 percent of workers who attend their company's annual celebration have done something embarrassing enough to become detrimental to their careers. Of those who fall into this category, 44 percent admitted to dancing inappropriately, 31 percent ended up screwing a colleague, 23 percent threw up in front of their co-workers and 22 percent were rude to their boss or flashed someone at the party.

LAST CHANCE TO COVER YOUR BUTT

And if you do screw it all up this Christmas, there's still a backup plan to save your sorry bum. The good people at the Alibi Network (www.alibinetwork.com) provide alibis for your recklessness and include live operators who will validate your cover story. "Whether it is spending a night out with a special friend, taking a day off from work, sending a discreet gift, avoiding your neighbor's birthday party or planning a surprise for the loved ones," says the Web site, "Now it is all possible ... And it is all discreet."

FINDING THE DUMBASS WHO STOLE YOUR CREDIT CARD—PRICELESS

A Norwegian pizza delivery man who had his credit card stolen managed to get it back quite easily after delivering a pizza and receiving his own credit card from the customer for payment. "I just accepted the card and said 'I hope you enjoy the meal'‚ as we always say," said Vegard Sjaastad. He then went to the police who went back to the house, arrested three people and recovered stolen goods including those belonging to Sjaastad. "I expect to get my stuff back tomorrow," he said. "This is just great. What you might dream of." (Associated Press)

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