Opinion » Bill Cope

Chick*n sh*t

Red gets him some of that Southern-fried thinking

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"Red! You're back. What's in the sack?"

"Cope, this here's the best chicken dinner I ever expect to cram in my pie-hole. I jus' thought I'd swing by and see if you wanted a chunk. You like strips or nuggets? I got both."

"It's Chick-fil-A, isn't it?"

"Yup."

"And you thought you'd come over here and rub it in my face, right?"

"Yup."

"Red, I trust that one day, it will dawn on you how insignificant such empty gestures and meaningless pissy-fits really are in the grand scheme of cultural history and human development."

"Whatchew mean, 'empty gushers' and 'meaningless pissy-fizz?' Hows can you call it insuffishingant that I and ol' Mike Huckabee and ol' Sarah Palin got the courage to stand with a fried-chicken joint, shoulder t' shoulder, against the homersexule agender? Hows can you say that billions an' billions of good Chrishun men and women and lil' boys an' girls are speakin' out with their lunch money, shoutin' loud an' clear 'no way Jose' to them homersexules who refuse to stop wanting to get hitched t' one another? I'm tellin' ya', Cope, God's awatchin'! An' if this U.S. of A. expects to survive His a'mighty madness over how them abominators won't stay in the closet what he put 'em in in the beginning, we need to start listenin' up to our franchise rest'raunt founders when they tell us they don't like certain things what's going on. You'd better be thinking 'bout this, Cope, acause if Jesus came back to this Eart' today, he'd be making breakfast, lunch and dinner outta this tasty fried-up chicken meat!"

"So why do you s'pose Jesus would object to gays getting married, Red? I mean, really. And I don't mean that stuff about Sodom and Gomorrah and Leviticus says this or Corinthians says that. Those are the just the symptoms of God's wrath, wouldn't you say? ... all that stoning to death and hellfire raining down, blah blah blah. Let's pretend for the sake of this dumbass conversation you and I are having that any of that stuff really happened, OK? But those stories and Biblical threats only show how angry God is at gays. What do you suppose gays did that has him so pissed off at them over all the other sinners? You know ... the run-of-the-mill fornicators and adulterers, the smokers and drinkers, the covetors and gluttons, the envious and the slothful, the vain and the proud and the Wall Street investment bankers. Out of all that, why does He pick out gays specifically to punish with his most dreadful vengeance?"

"Why, ain't that obvious? What's wrong with you, Cope? Cain't you see what's right there in front o' ya?"

"I guess not, Red. I just don't get why gays have earned the lowest level of hell from this God of yours and the highest level of scorn from good Crishuns like you."

"Acause they ain't havin' kids. What's so gull durn hard about that to get? They can try an' try an' try. Theys can do all that stuff they do to one another what I don't want t' talk about out loud, but you know what I'm talkin' about ... and there won't be one lil' chil'ren come out of it. Not a one. And that's what God put us here for, Cope. Ever'body knows that. We're here to make lil' children. That's why a marriage ain't a marriage unless it's 'twixt a man an' a woman. God made Adam an' Eve ... not Adam an' Larry, ain't you heard that? An he did it that way so's Ol' Adam and Eve could go to making lil' chil'ren as soon as they figured out what all them dangly doodads hanging off their bodies were for. Ya' know, that's why God made 'em naked instead of putting 'em in bib overalls or panty hose ... so's they could figure it out quicker. That's what gettin' hitched is all 'bout, Cope, you idjut. Making lil' chil'ren. What else would anyone do it for?"

"Having kids ... that's what it's all about?"

"That's right ... filling up the Eart' with more and more of us. That's what it's all 'bout. God don't mind us doing some snowmobiling or bowling or some catfish noodlin' along the way. That's acause God knows we can't spend ever' minute an' ever' day chuckin' out lil' chil'ren. He made us good but not that good. But when it's all said an' done, it's our main job afore we die an' go to Heav'n ... to turn out our own replacements so there's never a shortage o' folks to sing Hosannas to the Lord a'mighty what put us here. An' if you cain't do that, you shouldn't be allowed to get y'rself married. An' me an' this here chicken dinner mean t' keep it that way."

"Then maybe you shouldn't be wasting your time standing shoulder to shoulder with fried chicken, Red. It's unlikely gays will be flocking to Idaho to get married any time soon, so maybe you should be making your statement at these local retirement communities and nursing homes. Maybe you should be protesting the marriages of these old geezers, don't you think? Like that couple who tied the knot last week."

"What you talkin' 'bout?"

"Yeah, it was in the other paper, about how a 92-year-old man married a 91-year-old woman. God knows what they're going to do with their dangly doodads, but I can guarantee their chances of making any little children aren't any better than Adam and Larry's."

"But they prob'ly love one another, don't you suppose, Cope? That's what it's all about, ain't it? The love?"

"You said it, Red. Not me."

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