Opinion » Bill Cope

Broad Shoulders City

A big, brawling, bare-knuckled backlash to the NRA



"Myyy kind of town, Chi-ca-go, it's / myyy kind of town, Chi-ca-go, it's / my kind of razz-ma-tazz / and it has / all that jazz ..."

"What's that tune you're crooning there, Cope?"

"Sinatra sang it in a movie once, Red. Can't remember if it's called 'Chicago,' 'My Kind of Town' or what. But I find myself falling head over heels in love with that toddlin' town, so I was singing her a little in-head serenade. I forgot you were still in there. Did I wake you up?"

"So you loves Chicago, does you? Well, blooey! Let me tells you something. I hates Chicago. Hates it! Someone should do a song what says 'Chicago Stinks!' Or 'Chicago Ain't Nothing But A Big Pile O' Pig Poop!' Or how's about this ... 'If Chicago's So Smart, Why Don't It Move To France Like a Sissy and Stay There?!'"

"Poor Red. You're just mad that the 15th greatest president in American history ... that being Barack Obama ... is a Chicago fella, and that your dumbass Texan ranked so low on the list you have to borrow fingers from your cousins to count that far."

"Don't know what you're talking about, Cope. I hates Chicago 'cause they won't stop trying to make it hard to carry a gun around their weirdo town."

"Yeah, I heard. That's why I'm singing Chi-town's praises. I can only wish politicians everywhere had the guts to tell the National Rifle Ass-holey-ation to shove it."

"What's that you said? Did you just call my sainted NRA a bunch of 'ass-holey-ations?'"

"Why, I believe I did, Red. Must of been some sort of Freudian slip, I suppose. But as long as I'm slipping down this particular Freudian, let me throw in a few Supreme Court ass-holey-ations. Roberts, Alito, Thomas and Scalia--total ass-holey-ations. I hope Chicago stacks up enough anti-gun statutes to keep the NRA spending all your hard-earned dues money on lawyers until Scalia and all the substandard brethren are nothing but embarrassing footnotes in the history books. I hope cities all over the country follow Chicago's lead and start passing ordinances that drive the gun-nut lobby even more nuts. I hope this is just the beginning of a great American revolt against the paranoid dips and posturing bums and open-carry freaks who get whatever sad-ass personality they got from the fact they own a gun or two."

"Cope! Have you even heard what that Chicago City Council's been up to? They made it against the law to have a gun store in their city. What kind o' pervert town would you have without a gun store every few blocks? An' even worse, they made it against the law to walk outside your front door with a handgun in your hands! Think about that, Cope! What's the point o' owning a gun if you cain't sit on the porch drinking Keystones and pretend you're plugging power transformers!?"

"Buddy boy, I'd say it's high time we quit letting the hillbilly demographic dictate to the rest of us that we have to live amongst creeps and cowards who insist on toting firearms to every place they go, from our national parks to Starbucks. I say it's high time we quit letting that brain-fried Southern sensibility control what decent cities and states can and can't say is acceptable. I say it's high time the NRA and their suckling politicians are branded for what they are ... aiders and abettors in the murder of children and other innocent bystanders. Thank you, Chicago. Thank you, thank you, Windy City! You hog butcherer to the world, you!"

"You act like you ain't got no proper respect for my Second Amendmental rights, Cope."

"I don't, Red. I thought you knew that. For whatever good it might have done 240 years ago, the damned Second Amendment is now nothing more than a handy excuse for ignorant wahoops to behave like savages. It's turned this country into an eternal battlefield that claims over twenty thousand casualties a year. Twenty thousand!"

"An' you think some piddling city council wussies in Chicago is gonna stop that?"

"I think people have to keep fighting the bastards, Red. Any way they can. Based on the death count alone, there is no greater solvable threat to Americans than the NRA. As far as I'm concerned, they're an enemy that must be defeated. And eventually, they will be. It's just a matter of how many families have to lose someone to gun violence before we decide to end it."

"You're just saying that. You don't really believe it!"

"Sure as hell do, pal. And you know what else? I have a few suggestions for other ordinances Chicago could pass to make it even harder to pack a gun. I say they ought to make it against the law to keep a gun and the ammo that goes with it under the same roof. And they could make it illegal to transport a gun by any means other than in a rickshaw. Then they could outlaw rickshaws. Hah! Another thing ... ban the sale of triggers. You bet, the creeps can buy all the gun they want, they just can't buy any with triggers. Or barrels. Chicago should make it illegal to sell or own any handgun with a barrel longer than two centimeters. Let's see if anyone wants to show that baby off to the girls down at the firing range, eh?"

"You're just stupid, Cope! If everyone was totin' a gun, criminals would think twice before breaking the law."

"Yeah sure ... and if all the guys had guns they wouldn't be shooting at each other so much. Is that how it's supposed to work, Red? Myyy kind of town, Chi-ca-go, it's / myyy kind of town ..."

Comments (2)

Showing 1-2 of 2


Comments are closed.