The web site’s description of the Vampire Bear reads: “Send our new vampire Bear for Valentine’s Day to tell your sweetie it was love at first bite! Made of our soft black fur, he wears fitted black denim jeans, a black tank top with heart-shaped blood drops, and a faux leather trench coat with a red brocade lapel. He also features removable felt fangs (he can’t wait to sink his teeth into your Valentine) and special glow in the dark eyes (so you can tell her, ‘I only have eyes for you!’).”
The Love Bandit Bear’s description induces similar cringes and convulsions: “We’ve read the books. We’ve done the legal research. Turns out no one can convict you for stealing her heart. That’s why we’ve recruited our Love Bandit Teddy Bear to act as your irresistible accomplice.”
If you give one of those stuffed monsters to your girlfriend, may God have mercy on your damnable soul.
Pajamagram, which is actually part of the teddy-bear company, has somehow convinced otherwise sane adults to start wearing pajamas again. Even worse, one of their products leaves room only for the face and hands. It’s called the “Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit” (the perfect gift idea for people who don’t like their partners’ skin) and comes with various bathroom accoutrements. You may as well get a burka—at least they don’t leave fuzz all over the floor.
For those who don’t have girlfriends or wives who wash themselves in tubs of stagnant water with lavender bath confetti, you can always embrace the time-honored predictability of flowers and chocolate. However, keep in mind that, with flowers, you’re giving someone the symbolic gift of slow death—and chocolate, of course, makes you fat, so maybe it would be wiser to go with a heart-shaped box of broccoli.
Regarding the Hoodie Footie Snuggle Suit, maybe it’s not uncommon to develop a Teletubbie fetish.