by Tara Morgan
This week, CWOCL hits a little bit closer to home. We just received a startling email from Mr. and Mrs. Vidiot, who have been trying to hawk a few extra items cluttering up their garage on Craigslist. So far, their run-of-the-mill goods—a microsuede loveseat, high-backed bar stools, a rubber igloo dog house—have been receiving run-of-the-mill, straightforward responses. Until now.
Here’s a recent reply Travis forwarded us, reprinted word-for-word in all of its supremely odd, creepy glory.
I saw the igloo style dog house on CL. Do you think this item would fit in a medium sized tree (40ft), my son has been wanting a tree house, but I don't know how to build him one, nor do I want to climb into the tree, so I thought this would work.
If it will work, then I will offer you $18, but I will need your help getting it in place in the tree. I am terrified of heights. I have not always need [sic] scared of heights but about 10 years ago, when my son was 3 I was cleaning the gutters on the second story of our house. I had the ladder setup on an awning over the entrance to our home. The ladder started to wobble and I thought that I was going to fall, but thankfully I did not. then about 5 years ago I was prunning branches out of the tree that I want to put the igloo in and a branch fell and hit me. Don't worry, it wasn't big but it was scary. Then about 2 years ago I was putting up christmas lights and I was on my ladder again and I waited too long to put up the lights and with was very cold (and icy, but I didn't know that when I started) and as I was reaching to hang the last strand the ladder fell out from under me and I fell. I fell from about 6 feet right on to my behind and I fractured my tailbone. They can't really do anything fo [sic] that so I just had to endure the pain and sit on a doughnut at work all day, and now since that last incident I have not wanted to climb up a ladder or be high off the ground.
If you help me get the new treehouse into the tree I will give you another $7 making the total you get $25.
Please let me know so I can let my son know.
Ok, so right off the bat we get that this dude’s a bit wacky. He wants to turn a used dog igloo into a tree fort for his son. Yikes. But, hey, maybe he’s just a creative, industrious type? Nope, reading on, it gets creepier. The tree is 40 feet—as in four stories or 40 Subway sandwiches—tall. Not quite the frumpy, tire-swing-clad oak most of us think of when we picture a fort-housing tree.
But still, it gets worse. After a little math, we realize that his son is 13 years old. Like pre-algebra-studying, back-alley-pot-smoking, pushing-puberty, 13 years old. And his dad thinks that jamming a tiny, used, rubber doghouse, with an entry hole the size of a cookie sheet into a tree 40 feet in the air is going to please his teenage son? Maybe this dude should take that $25 bucks and invest it in a few different types of tiny rubber igloos for his son … if you, uh, get where we’re going.