It is me, Anonymous, from the Cope's-Latest-Column Discussion Group. Remember? I do not imagine you get many letters from people who call themselves "Anonymous," so who else could this one be but from me? Ha ha.
I forget how long it has been since I wrote you. At least a big bunch of months ago. You should know that I have quit trying to pick up clues to your thinking by parking down the street from your house and looking through your window with my grandson's Pirates of the Caribbean spy glass that he got from either Burger King or Pizza Hut, I don't remember which, as my grandson is now 14 and recently got caught spray painting swastikas and naughty words on a neighbor's Labradoodle, but that doesn't mean I don't still keep up with what you are getting yourself up to.
Our discussion group has done some transforming, too. Especially since old Mr. Philbert died. He always had a pithy thing or two to say, like when he said, "Sometimes I wonder if that Cope ain't some kind of convict, and the reason he writes this stuff is because he's trying to get a new trial that'll get him out of prison for being as crazy as a goat chewing loco weed." We all laughed at that one. Mr. Philbert was a retired cowboy poet and his favorite saying was, "Well now I've heard everything." At our Thursday meetings, he would say it over and over--"Well now I've heard everything!" After he died, we discovered our meetings took about half as long to get done with.
Anywho, Mr. Philbert isn't the only one who doesn't come anymore. Ron and Dawn Mabley stopped coming last fall because they thought you were being too mean on Mitt Romney, and my friend Ethel's daughter Brenda had a baby which Ethel is babysitting during Brenda's bowling league. Which is Thursday night, wouldn't you know. A couple of others got too old to drive at night and another couple of others started the Downton Abbey-Season-Three Discussion Group and claim they don't have time for the Cope's-Latest-Column Discussion Group anymore. With all this coming and going, mostly going, we are now down to three people including me, and I'm pretty sure one of the others only comes for the cookies and punch.
Which is why I am writing. As your BFF (Bestest Fan Forever) and founder of the Cope's-Latest-Column Discussion Group, I feel you need to get some newer things to write in your columns about. Anymore, all you write about are those darn gun nuts. Gun nuts, gun nuts, gun nuts! You need to remember there is more in life than mass murders. For example, there is the new pope who was just being elected. I think Ron and Dawn Mabley would start coming again if you wrote more about popes and less about gun nuts, since they are Catholics. Like me. I am Catholic, too. Except for those years I put crystals all over the house and slept under a Styrofoam pyramid. But that is over now and I am back to being Catholic.
There are other things. You have hardly said a peep about the Idaho Legislature. And also, what about Paul Ryan's latest budget? Don't you have any opinions on that?
All I am saying is that maybe if you would go back to the ways of writing when we did not know what you might say next, I could get the discussion group up to a membership number that is worth cleaning the house for before they come over. As it is now, it seems hardly worth it to drag out the Dirt Devil for just the three of us.
--Your BFF Always, No Matter How Boring You Get To Be, Anonymous
My dear Anony,
I am so sorry to hear about Mr. Philbert. It sounds like he was one tough old nut. And thanks for sticking with me, but I must warn you. I suspect I have come nowhere near to reaching my potential to be boring.
You are right. Perhaps I have allowed the gun issue to occupy too much of my attention. It's just that I am convinced the only thing that will stop a bad man with a gun is a good man who stops the bastard from getting hold of a damn gun in the first place.
And again you are right in how little I've said about the Legislature. You see, I was so encouraged over the election in November, and how Idaho citizens so thoroughly thrashed Tom Luna's scheme, that I felt confident nothing like that could ever happen again. But since the Republicans are now attempting to castrate the initiative process, thereby neutering what little recourse we citizens have, I can see not only will it probably happen again, but also how badly I underestimated their willingness to strip the democracy part out of our democracy. The same can be said about Paul Ryan and his budget redux. It would seem that to him and his entire party, election results are the least significant factor in their concept of how America should function.
Now, about that pope of yours. Not to offend, dear, but I care less about popes than I do Prince William and Duchess what's-'er-name, his preggers princess. Which is to say, not much. I try to understand how a pope might be a big deal to you Catholics, but honestly, when I watch coverage of all those cardinals and Swiss Guards and funny hats and ritual scooby-doobery, all I can think is Game of Thrones, only without any women, any young people or anything even remotely interesting.