If you remember, back in January when I launched the continuing series "Just When You Thought Your Legislature Couldn't Get Any Dumber...," I set forth a goal to pick an Official State Dumbshit of 2015 from the rich field of possibilities provided by the assembly of men and women who congregate in Boise every winter to the purpose of getting Idaho through another year. Now that they have finished up that business and gone back to their separate squats scattered about the hills and hollers of our state, there is no more occasion for potential winners to display their credentials for the title—at least in such a public way. I'm certain that such behavior as we see in the Capitol Building for these three or four months of legislative doofishness has plenty of opportunity to manifest itself back in Goat Gut Junction and Sagebrush Hump, Potato City and Gopher Crossing, Shiny Rock and Cow Falls, but that would be a matter for their neighbors and families alone, and not anything the rest of us need concern ourselves with. Not, at least, not until they get their suits dry-cleaned, their shoes re-shined, and show up next January, ready to do it all over again.
I come to you today to announce the winner of this year's Official State Dumbshit designation. I must say, however, there wasn't quite as much participation in the competition for the title as I expected. To my knowledge, not even one Legislator got all drunked up, stole a pickup truck and went rampaging through Canyon County crashing into things. Nor did any of them get into a major piss-off with the local sheriff after lying about past criminal activity while applying for a concealed weapons permit. Compared to these past examples of elected official brilliance, 2015 has been relatively lackluster. And I must say that there were actually a few accomplishments that might make one think there is more on the minds of some of these lawmakers than figuring out a way they can carry a gun anywhere they want, or how they can grab public lands away from the Feds and sell it off to the highest bidders.
For instance, they actually managed to get some much-needed money to education and infrastructure, making me think one or two of them might have some sense that the future of Idaho is at least as important as the need to meddle in women's reproductive affairs. They also approved funding for a mental health crisis center in Northern Idaho—and judging by the specimens North Idaho has been sending to the Legislature lately, it couldn't be located in a more appropriate panhandle.
So by and large, this session will likely rank on the dull end on the long-range buffoonery meter, and I anticipate that Official State Dumbshits in coming years will push 2015's line-up entirely out of mind. But let us review the talent we had to work with this year, shall we?
The first nominee was Republican Ken Andrus, who explained his vote against the giant salamander for state amphibian on the basis of its inherent ickyness. We'll probably never know whether Rep. Andrus was counting on someone finding a cuter, fuzzier
amphibian that would represent Idaho in a manner more cuddly, or if he was just philosophically opposed to the recognition of any animal that can't be trained to retrieve ducks, be ridden in a rodeo, or eaten. But it matters little now, since in the wake of some mild public umbrage over the poor Idaho giant salamander being rejected five years running, the legislature reversed itself and gave it official status as our favorite web-footed critter.
Second in line—chronologically if not in terms of noxiousness—came Republican Vito Barbieri when he made news from sea to shining sea by suggesting a woman might get a travelogue film of her reproductive organs by swallowing one of those tiny cameras and watching the trip it takes as it moves through her body. Now, to be fair, Rep. Barbieri claims he was simply trying to be witty, and I am willing to take him at his word on that. However, he would still qualify for the dumbshit crown, as only a dumbshit could possibly believe what he said was funny.
Then came Nampa Republican Christy Perry, who worked to block a measure that would have criminalized a parent's sacred right to deny medical attention to a sick child, based on a religious creed that holds if God wants the kid dead, so be it. Honestly, I put her in the running for Official State Dumbshit, but it didn't feel quite right then, and it doesn't feel quite right now. After all, in my sense of words and their associations, "dumbshit" carries with it a hint of farce and foolishness. Picture a clown slipping on a banana peel, or a legislator making a joke about objects entering a woman's mouth and exiting from her vagina ... •that's• a dumbshit. The term is not strictly defined by levity, but there is certainly an element of levity involved.
Yet with Christy Perry's brand of stunning stupidity, I find no levity, no lightness, no farce. All I feel about a defense of childicide by disease is evil. You know ... the sort of thing we associate with ISIS when it beheads a reporter, or the Taliban when it shoots young girls in the head for the sin of attending school.
The last entrant came originally as a trio. As one of the judges, I deemed that Senators (and Republicans) Steve Vick, Lori Den Hartog and Sheryl Nuxoll deserved to share the honors for their well-publicized stunt of walking out of an opening prayer given by a Hindu. And had it gone no further than that—a simple yet effective demonstration of what ignorant, rude, intolerant, yahoo assholes they are—they likely would have ended up no more than honorable mentions in this competition.
Yet one of them could not stop talking, a trait common to dumbshits the world over. Sheryl Nuxoll... did I mention she is a Republican?... felt compelled to justify her vulgarity by lecturing on how the Hindu gods are false, and that America is undeniably a Christian country, and that as a state senator, she should not be setting an example of tolerance for other faiths. Every cliché that tumbled from her mouth made her an ever-stronger contender for the title.
But what decided it for this judge—and I hesitate to name any of the other judges, as I haven't had time to make up their names yet—was an incident from the aftermath of the 2012 presidential election. I had all but forgotten about it, but a nagging feeling I had written the words "Sheryl Nuxoll" before prompted me to do a little Googling, and there she was—the legislator who suggested that Idaho Electoral College delegates should unite with delegates from other red states in refusing to approve the re-election of Barack Obama, thereby throwing the decision to Congress, which would of course make Mitt Romney president, in spite of what a solid majority of Americans had just done in the ballot box.
In other words, anything that doesn't meet Senator Nuxoll's approval—from a Hindu prayer to a presidential election—should be ignored.
Nuxoll has also made some out-of-state news by sounding the alarm that Obamacare is just like the Holocaust. And more recently, she has been front an center in the current crisis in child support by being one of that fistful of cretins who killed Idaho's access to $46 million in federal enforcement money on the grounds it might give Sharia law a foothold in Idaho.
All told, how could we not
give her the title.
So I present to you, ladies and gentlemen of Idaho, Grangeville's own SHERYL NUXOLL, our state's first Official State Dumbshit!
And until her district neighbors become as embarrassed as they rightfully should be for sending this f***ing moron to befoul our lives and our Legislature, I've little doubt we will be hearing more from her in the future.